The idiot's guide to being a supermum

Published on Monday 12 March 2007 01:10

IT'S Monday, so a quick checklist: Kumon maths done? Viola practice? Gymbabes subs organised? Gluten-free brownies baked? Done all of these? A-plus.

Not quite managed? Doubly well-done - welcome to the human race. Today's mums are struggling to achieve a near-impossible work-life balance that has nothing to do with money in the bank. Who has time for work or a life when you're already a cleaner, nutritionist, taxi service, couturier and politician? And there's no hint of after-works drinks followed by unsuitable behaviour in the local wine bar; there's too much overtime to put in making a Puck costume for tomorrow's school play.

The average school term involves a dizzying round of plays, outings, ftes, sports days, parent-teacher nights, fashion shows, charity fundraisers and endless other irritants which seem designed specifically to deny you an evening's peace.

With a bit of notice, preparation and resources I'm sure it's perfectly possible to meet these challenges head-on. But it's mum's law (like sod's law, only with less notice) that junior will enjoy being allowed up to stay up and watch Doctor Who, but will show their appreciation by, on tripping up to bed, announcing they need a cake to take to school for the open day. Tomorrow. At 8am. There goes that second glass of wine...

Or does it? Before you fly into a panic, remember you have options. That is, you can cheat. Cheating means that if at first you don't succeed, fake it. Let's take the two most common bugbears, cakes and costumes, and work our way around them.

Fairy cakes are a good option. Just remember four, four, four, two: that's proportions of self-raising flour, caster sugar, butter and eggs respectively. Mix, dollop into a muffin tray and cook at 190C for 15-20mins. Dust with icing sugar. Job done.

Of course, this all depends on having the bits in the larder. But, Mother Hubbard, we can still work our magic if the cupboard is bare. Don't go rushing out to the 24-hour supermarket for ingredients. Have a glass of wine and formulate your plan of attack. Do you have a container, particularly anything made from wicker? In dire emergency (and if you can be sure of getting it returned), use a special piece of crockery. Stuff it with tissue, wrapping paper, gingham napkins, kitchen towel or even loo roll for a "country fair" effect.

On the way to school, factor in a trip to the petrol station. Unless it's tiny there are bound to be some biscuits on sale. You want something that claims to be "farmhouse", the ones with the homely, amateur-type packaging. (Stay away from the brand-name biscuits, they're a bit professional for your needs.)

Get a few packs, unwrap, and chuck them into your "basket". Homemade treats that took a strenuous five minutes to prepare.

OK, that was easy, but what if your eight-year-old tells you on the way to bed that they're a princess in the school play? Fine dear, that's not for another three weeks. Oh, but full dress rehearsal starts tomorrow.

Again, don't panic, the evening is not lost. Here are some basic themes: Halloween - black bin liners; animals - cut ears and hooves from cereal packets, tails from wool; historical - a sheet and a belt; sci-fi - tin foil; "ordinary" people - ordinary clothes.

With a black bin liner, upend it and cut a hole for the child's head in the bottom and armholes in the side. You now have a basic witch tunic.

Accessorise with green make-up, warts or scars. For fairies, a T-shirt with lots of white shopping bags or a net curtain gathered into a belt round the waist. Add a tinfoil tiara (just scrunch it into shape) and a wand (ditto). Glue on any glitter you can lay your hands on.

Peasants, gladiators and other historical figures of any description can be created with a sheet folded double and a head hole cut in the middle. Tie round the waist with a leather belt and accessorise with a crown cut from a cereal packet (glitter and gold stickers optional), tea towel, hair band or just mud - anything the part requires.

You can make passable bruises, scars and urchin dirt with what you have in your make-up bag. (I'm not sure Frankenstein is worth your Chanel Rouge Absolu though.)

You can apply the cheat theory to most parental challenges, but these really are last-minute options. You don't want your child to be known as last-minute-Larry (especially if her name's Suzie) at every event, but it does get you out of the odd hole.

For future planning, hang on to the clothes that you want to throw out and fill a dressing-up box - even if it's just a carton in the attic. Keep some self-raising and caster sugar in the cupboard. They're cheap enough and keep for ages, though I think you might find a use for them.

Oh, and if you find a really well-stocked petrol station, guard its location with your life...

• Morag Cuddeford-Jones is the author of Mum Stuff: Because Mum Knows Best (Simon & Schuster, 9.99)