Fiona McCade: Madonna out of tune with today’s feminism

Published on Thursday 19 January 2012 12:23

MADONNA is my dad. OK, maybe not biologically, but it sounds to me like they may be more closely related than I could ever have imagined.

It’s true that my father is not the Queen of Pop. He is an unashamed, unreconstructed Northern male. His idea of cooking is to say: “Wife, where’s me meal?” He was once left alone for a couple of days and his answer to the problem of feeding himself was to turn up on my auntie’s doorstep with a can, a can-opener, and a puzzled look on his face.

The reason he gives for this life of blissful domestic ignorance is that he worked for years to support his family and did everything a good provider should do; it’s not his job to cook, he’s never cooked before, so why the heck should he start now?

I thought my dad was a one-off, but now I know he’s not. In fact, he shares a very special bond with Madonna, who said in a television interview last week: “I don’t think I’ve ever cooked a meal entirely by myself.”

When she was questioned further about this unusual achievement, she said: “My nannies cook, my housekeeper cooks, the drivers cook, everybody cooks.” But when she was asked if she could cook anything at all, she got very feisty indeed: “‘No,” she spat back, “But I do everything else. Do I have to do everything?”

There, there, Madonna, love. I understand. You shimmy about all day in your leotard, desperately shaking your tassels to keep your family in the manner to which they have become accustomed, then the moment you sit down for a cup of mineral water and a Ryvita, some bleedin’ interviewer asks you if you’re capable of feeding yourself. What a cheek.

I’m glad Madonna was up-front and truthful about her culinary deficiencies. At least she didn’t cop out by saying: “My surgeon says if I go too close to the stove, my face will melt.” The trouble is, her anti-domestic stance – “I’m the breadwinner and I don’t have to go into the kitchen if I don’t want to” – is oddly out of tune with the current feminist zeitgeist.

Madonna made her name in the ’80s, and it certainly looks as though she thinks that Alpha Females still wear big shoulder pads, shout a lot, and have Help.

Unfortunately for her, times have moved on. Now, we have the likes of Nigella Lawson being Domestic Goddesses and showing us that strength and nurturing aren’t mutually exclusive. Today, women’s liberation means you don’t have to read Spare Rib; you can also enjoy marinating some, in sweet chilli sauce and red wine vinegar, without losing a shred of your credibility. The choice is yours.

I’m no great fan of cooking, but I have this image of Madonna coming home after a hard day’s shimmying and yelling: “Servants, where’s me meal?” Scarily like my dad.

The problem with the “I put the food on the table, so I don’t have to prepare it, too” argument – so beloved of both Madonna and my father – is that it’s essentially disempowering. I’ve always associated liberation with independence, self-reliance and capability. But if you can’t look after yourself, if you need other people to get your food for you because you have no idea how to do it, that’s not freedom, is it? In fact, it’s quite sad.

Earning lots of money is all very well, but it’s no substitute for being a real grown-up. You can pay someone to wipe your behind, if you like, but that won’t make people respect you. I love my dad, but my mum – who keeps him alive and our family functioning – is the really strong one.

If my dad and Madonna got lost in the jungle, they’d both be dead of starvation in a couple of days (if they didn’t kill each other first).

But if Nigella went AWOL in the rainforest, when the rescue party found her she’d be happily roasting a lemur with wild honey and crushed ants.

And if you can do that, who cares if you can’t fit into a leotard.

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mordor

Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 08:36 PM

This may be the silliest article I have ever read... Does anyone know any 'feminists' other than hairbrained teenage yooni students and those who have never managed to grow up? Nah, me neither.

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Gloria Lopez

Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 10:28 AM

And to compare Madonna to Nigella Lawson is really silly. Do you think NIgella cooks the way she does as some kind of feminist statement or because she just loves it so much? Cooking is how Nigella makes her money and maintains her celebrity just like the way Madonna does that is through singing and dancing for her fans. The fact is that most women who work long hours at high powered jobs like Madonna don't have the time and energy to cook. I'm sure Madonna could learn to cook if she wanted to but maybe she's not interested. You say in feminism you have a choice, but you are dictating to Madonna and other women that they must cook and be domestic goddesses. Where is the choice?

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Gloria Lopez

Thursday, January 19, 2012 at 08:40 AM

What a silly article. Many women who work full time and live in urban areas either don't know how to cook or cook very little. Madonna doesn't live in a jungle, she lives in NYC. Even if she didn't have a huge staff, she could work outside her house and find numerous restaurants and take out establishments in which she could get something to eat. When I lived in NYC, i never cooked because I was so busy, food pre-made was convenient and my kitchen was small and cramped. You say feminism gives you a choice. Well, I don't see why Madonna or any woman can choose not to cook if they don't want to or aren't interested in it.

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