Lifelines: Pauline Nimmo on children who have two homes

Published on Tuesday 7 February 2012 00:00

MY little girl’s mum and I broke up just over two years ago and have an amicable relationship. We have managed to sort out things between us for our daughter’s sake – she is now six.

I am delighted that she is going to be staying with me for three days a week. The worry is how to help her with this change and make her feel that she is no different in any way from her friends.

My ex-partner and I would never put her in a position where she is unhappy but I’m wary that she might not adjust to having two places to live and get confused or fed up. It’s hard to know what to say that she will understand at her age.

PN: First of all, I think your daughter’s mum and you should be proud of yourselves for putting your little girl first and for reaching an amicable agreement about her future. It may not seem like much, but a lot of separated parents find that really hard for one reason or another. The hardest part for you is already done.

Children tend to take their lead from their parents, so the first step should be for you both to show your daughter that you are all right with this new arrangement and that it is a positive thing.

It is better for children to feel that they have two ‘homes’ and not just places where they visit a parent. Also stress to her that she will have toys and belongings in both homes, and make her feel just as special in each one.

It is also important that she is allowed the freedom to talk about each of you or to speak to each of you when she is with the other. And allowing her to take her belongings from one home to another is a good way to get the message across that you ‘approve’ of one another, something some parents don’t do, thus putting a strain on their children.

It is estimated that one in three children experience parental separation before the age of 16. This means that your daughter is not the only one and may well be one of five or so in her class who are in the same situation. This should help with concerns that she might feel different from her friends.

HE’LL SPOIL THEM

My ex-husband wants our three children to stay with him when I work away. They usually stay with my mother as he was at his own parents’ until recently and had no room for them. Now he has his own house and says that when I am away, every two weeks or so, they can live with him.

What if they don’t want to come home? He’ll probably spoil them and give them all they want. It’ll be like a holiday camp. They won’t want to do their homework and will stay up late, then I’ll have to pick up the pieces. I’m not sure whether to agree to this or not.

PN: Your concerns are natural, and so it’s especially important that your ex-husband and you are on the same page when it comes to discipline, homework and bedtimes. To achieve this you must communicate with each other and maybe even compromise. You may also be imagining the worst, when, in fact, the children’s dad has other ideas – discussing it should set your mind at rest.

Your children also need to understand that Mum and Dad are in control of things and will expect the same behaviour from them. If there are no vast differences in what you both believe in discipline-wise, the children will know what is acceptable at each of their homes – this should help things fall into place and your children will adapt.

It is also natural to feel that Dad’s home will be all fun and games and Mum’s will be boring. This should not last long if you are both united. It may be worth giving the arrangement a trial period when you are not away from home, then their father and you can iron out any wrinkles as soon as possible. It may also help if your ex and you sat down with the children and explained that things are going to change and that they can have fun at both homes, but daily life will be the same. Children tend to enjoy doing everyday things with both parents anyway, as well as fun things.

• Pauline Nimmo is a registered family mediator and contact centre manager at Relationships Scotland Family Mediation South Lanarkshire (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

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