50 of the best jokes and one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe

Sara Pascoe is appearing at this year's Fringe and has a number of entries in our top 50. Picture: Matt Crockett
Sara Pascoe is appearing at this year's Fringe and has a number of entries in our top 50. Picture: Matt Crockett
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There are 1,294 comedy shows at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter.

For a taste of what to expect, we’ve put together a rather epic list of some of the best jokes and one-liners that have had audiences giggling in the Scottish capital over recent years.

One-liner king Tim Vine features in our top 50. Of course. Picture: TSPL

One-liner king Tim Vine features in our top 50. Of course. Picture: TSPL

Without further ado...

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)

“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)

“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” Chris Turner (2016)

“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” Alfie Moore (2013)

“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.” Rhys James (2016)

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015)

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” Mark Watson (2014)

“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016)

“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014)

“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” Steve Bugeja (2016)

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)

“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015)

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015)

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010)

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor (2014)

“My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.” Njambi McGrath (2016)

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” Joel Dommett (2014)

“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” Pete Otway (2016)

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” Iain Stirling (2014)

“Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson (2012)

“People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” Kai Humphries (2014)

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014)

“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.” John Luke-Roberts (2016)

“Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.” Bridget Christie (2014)

“I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” Felicity Ward (2016)

“I’m single. By choice. Her choice. No it was a mutual thing. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend.” Brett Goldstein (2013)

“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” Tom Parry (2015)

“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” Olaf Falafel (2016)

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.” Paddy Lennox (2009)

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’.” Andrew Bird (2008)

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall (2009)

“Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008)

“Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” Lucy Beaumont (2014)

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed” Josie Long (2008)

“I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself ‘Uncle Feminism’.” Jenny Collier (2016)

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash (2015)

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” Rob Auton (2013)

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Nick Helm (2011)

“I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.” Stuart Laws (2016)

“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016)

“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” Aatif Nawaz (2016)

“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts (2016)

“I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.” Abi Roberts (2016)

“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” Olaf Falafel (2016)

“A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy.” Chris Turner (2016)

“I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.” Adam Hess (2016)

“My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.” Darren Walsh (2015)

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads” Mark Simmons (2015)

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor (2016)

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” Dan Antolpolski (2009)

“I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we then yet?’” Paul F. Taylor (2016)

A version of this article originally appeared on our sister title, inews