Books of the year: Celebrity memoirs

Published on Friday 4 December 2009 18:35

STIRRED BUT NOT SHAKEN BY KEITH FLOYD WITH JAMES STEEN (Sidgwick and Jackson, £18.99)

A SURPRISINGLY bitter account of his life from the bibulous TV chef and restaurateur, who died, aged 65, shortly before publication. Observations about food, travel and the business of hospitality are served up with raw spleen about TV colleagues, ad men (who gave him work) and "freeloaders".

Big disclosure: Floyd bluntly and brusquely comes clean about his failed relationships (including four divorces and a punch-up with his son), bankruptcies and alcoholism. But he doesn't mention the 44-year-old who turned up at his memorial service claiming to be his unacknowledged daughter.

Sex factor: He's chivalrous to wives and girlfriends, spiky about the randy fans he used to invite to his Irish pub, Floyd's Inn.

Funniest line: As a soldier, Floyd is barred from Churchill's funeral procession after "accidentally" shooting his bed.

All his own work? Ghost James Steen is both acknowledged and credited.

More to come? Unlikely.

Happy bunny? No.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

BY CHRIS EVANS

(HarperCollins, 20)

The DJ and TV presenter turned media mogul offers up a relentlessly perky but surprisingly self-aware tale of his rise from Warrington council flat to radio revolutionary to "tosser".

The book ends in 1997, just as he buys Virgin Radio from Richard Branson.

Big disclosure: At 21, Evans fathered a daughter, Jade, with whom he has only latterly had regular contact. More surprising are Evans's admissions that his "outrageousness" during his days hosting Radio 1's Breakfast Show were a sign he'd shot his creative bolt and that his decision to resign on air marked him out as "a loser".

Sex factor: Respectful, polite accounts of relationships and marriage, and a description of snogging Kim Wilde on The Big Breakfast.

Funniest line: "There is a good side to cats – that's the left-hand side, cooked medium rare with a garlic sauce."

All his own work? Apparently.

More to come? Of course – the Ginger Media/Billie Piper years.

Happy bunny? Yes.

MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE AND ME 1978-1988

BY ALAN DAVIES

(Penguin/Michael Joseph, 18.99)

The comedian, actor and QI panellist charts his growth from boyhood to maturity, between the ages of 11 and 21, by recalling those he worshipped, admired or simply fancied at the time.

Big disclosure: Young Al – whose mother died when he was six – flirted with Thatcherism and knee-jerk racism before settling on Benn and Kinnock as political idols.

Sex factor: Alan snogs Bobby Moore's daughter, Roberta, in a toilet, tries to cop off with a girl at Greenham Common, and – in his chapter on Debbie Harry – details "a strange, synchronised masturbation ritual" helmed by a lad called Gary on a school trip to Naples.

Funniest line: "You lick ash tray?!" (Davies's phonetic rendition of a teenage Singaporean girl who mistakes him for singer Rick Astley).

All his own work? Yes.

More to come? Inevitably: this book ends as Alan is just starting his stand-up career.

Happy bunny? Yes.

SATURDAY NIGHT PETER

BY Peter Kay

(Century, 20)

The sequel to the cuddly comedian's surprisingly joyless but bestselling first memoir of his early life, The Sound of Laughter, this is an anecdotal account of his first five years in stand-up.

Big disclosure: Disclosure isn't really Kay's thing, although he does own up to once having a puff on a joint, and reveals that Johnny Vegas pulled the plug on their nascent double act.

Sex factor: Zero, apart from chaste references to "my girlfriend Susan", and his mother's certainty he'll be given Rohypnol and raped in an alley at his first Edinburgh Festival.

Funniest line: Kay suspects he was let go as Michael Parkinson's warm-up man after the introduction: "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me enormous pleasure to sit on bath taps and welcome Mr Michael Parkinson."

All his own work? Yes.

More to come? Probably: his television shows and Comic Relief, mentioned here, may warrant a separate book.

Happy bunny? Mostly, but a tendency to whinge and settle old scores.

OOH! WHAT A LOVELY PAIR: OUR STORY

BY ANT & DEC WITH ANDREW MILLIGAN

(Michael Joseph, 20)

Presented by the publishers as "the book everyone's been waiting for" by these "national heroes", this book's text is divided into sections in bold (Declan Donnelly) and sections in italic (Ant McPartlin), so that those of us who have never quite bothered to identify which one is which have another chance.

This simulation of their on-screen backchat makes for a wearing read, incessant chirpiness not being one of the great narrative modes.

Big disclosure: None, really. Too nice. Quite detailed about bushtucker trials, though. "Trust me, it takes a long, long time to chew a testicle before it pops. And as for chewing a penis, well, it's three times longer than it looks at home."

Sex factor: Not a sausage.

Funniest line: "Anyway, hats off to Matt Willis – he ate that kangaroo's anus and he won the show."

All their own work? Andrew Milligan is credited on the title-page. Unlikely either ever held a pen.

More to come? Brings them up to the present, but they're not done yet.

Happy bunnies? Insufferably. "Without a doubt, the best thing to come out of the last 20 years, the greatest thing we've ever achieved, our biggest success, has been our friendship."

LOOK BACK IN HUNGER: THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY

BY Jo Brand

(Headline, 20)

Brand chats us through her not very exciting life – school in Tunbridge Wells, a move to Hastings, unsatisfactory long-term boyfriend, Brunel University, becoming a staff nurse at a mental health emergency clinic – but only as far as 1988, when her stand-up career began to take off.

Big disclosure: None. Repeated reports of failed assaults by pervy men. "It just goes to show that looks are not important to pervy men."

Sex factor: Rather too much about periods for some tastes. "Lots of people use euphemisms for periods, because it's embarrassing, like 'I've got the painters and decorators in' or 'Arsenal are playing at home'. I prefer 'I've got a vast amount of blood squirting out of my c***, Vicar."

Funniest line: See above?

All her own work? Alas, yes.

More to come? Sequel already announced for next year.

Happy bunny? No.

I AM OZZY

BY OZZY OSBOURNE WITH CHRIS AYRES

(Sphere, 20)

This one offers excellent value for money. Although Ozzy starts off "Bollocks. I can't remember anything", it soon proves otherwise. Though off his head for 40 years on "booze, coke, acid, Quaaludes, glue, cough mixture, heroin, Rohypnol, Klonopin, Vicodin, and too many other heavy-duty substances to list", he has come up with nearly 400 pages of foul-mouthed and surprisingly detailed reminiscence of outrageous behaviour.

Big disclosure: Pick your atrocity, really. Attempted murder of Sharon? Check. Massacring an entire chicken-shed while on drugs? Check. Biting the heads off pigeons? Check. Taking a year out to read Proust? Er, no ...

Sex factor: Plenty of groupies. Appalling mention of a banana. Equally forthcoming about the current state of affairs at home, as a result of his antidepressants. "I can get a boner but no fireworks. So I end up pumping away on top of Sharon like a road drill all night, with nothing happening."

Funniest line: "Probably the banana I stuck up there earlier."

All his own work? Chris Ayres heroically transcribes.

More to come? Maybe not. "Knowing me, I'll go out in some stupid way."

Happy bunny? Amazingly, despite the antidepressants, yes.

MY SHIT LIFE SO FAR

BY FRANKIE BOYLE

(HarperCollins, 18.99)

Quite triumphantly, this is the most abusive, obscene, insulting memoir yet published. This astounding tirade does vaguely relate the life story of the stand-up comedian and Mock the Week panellist but it's mainly just ranting.

Big disclosure: But nobody knew anything about him before.

Sex factor: Porn. "My porn-habit is a bit like having malaria. It's not a huge problem but every few months I lose a couple of days to it."

Funniest line: Many, many funny lines here. A difficult book to read sedately in public. Some particularly spirited remarks about better-known celebrities. "Russell Brand is actually one of my favourite celebrities. The manner of his death will give Michael Hutchence back his dignity." Etc.

All his own work? Evidently. Including the abuse of his patrons. "What kind of person buys the autobiography of a panel-show contestant?"

More to come? Maybe, maybe not. Says he's going to get out of showbusiness and take up "prescription med addiction, dread and loneliness".

Happy bunny? Hopping.