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PLEASE don’t think I am being rude if I do not finish this column. It won’t be for lack of trying.
EVERYBODY wants to be famous these days and there is ample opportunity to fulfil this ambition. Television offers you the chance to be patronised on screen by makeover "experts", people who work for easyJet, and Gordon Ramsay.
I AM not often the biggest fan of garlic. This is for several reasons. People abuse the use of garlic. Yes, I know that the taste can be very seductive, but there is nothing worse than when you are sitting at the opera or somewhere in a confined space only to have your experience ruined by the person sitting next to you reeking of garlic.
IT has to be said that the first sunny days of summer show everybody in their worst light, men and women alike. Scottish people are not genetically equipped to look good in the sunshine.
SOMETIMES I think that I must be a man who is trapped in a woman’s body. The main reason for this is that I hate shopping.
FINALLY we are getting beautiful, crisp, clean skies and springtime should be reflected in our cooking too.
I AM beginning to feel an urge to paint, and I would like to paint my living room black. Everyone says it will not work, but I know that the results will be fantastic, like a Victorian boudoir . . . or something.
AS many of you know, I am always up for something hot and spicy. When I feel rundown or think that a cold is on its way I inevitably reach for the chilli jar. Eating ridiculously hot food is the best way to get rid of a bad cold, as it unblocks the sinuses and makes you sweat. It is scientifically proven that spicy foods increase your metabolic rate, which is excellent news for dieters too.
I HATE Easter. In fact, I hate all the egg holidays. I dislike anything to do with bunnies too. I had a bad experience with a bunny called Tuppence, who was my childhood pet. He either wanted to kill me or make love to me - we were never sure.
WHEN I was a little girl, I used to get very excited about Easter. It was all those chocolate eggs, you see. To be a small child in the possession of so much chocolate made you feel like the luckiest person in the world. I used to think that when I was grown up I would always own lots of chocolate. Grown-ups can do these things if they please, can’t they?
I AM thinking about taking up a hobby. But what should I do? I need a hobby that requires absolutely no effort or talent.
I DON’T know about the rest of you but I am not a morning person. I’m a monster in the morning - bad-tempered and ratty. I look pretty awful in the morning too. Sleep is not kind to me, it has to be said. If I was the Sleeping Beauty having a kip for 100 years, the Prince would take one look, see the advantages of bachelor life and take his awakening smooches elsewhere.
ON Sunday I celebrated the first day of British Summer Time by getting out of bed at the early time of 11am. I haven’t seen 11am on a Sunday morning since Princess Diana was alive.
THIS Sunday is the beginning of British Summer Time. Would’ya believe it? The sun is teasing us like a cheap floozy. All come hither one minute, then playing hard to get the next.
LAST week I was lamenting the fact that I am getting older. There are advantages, however. Like other older people, I can worry about the state of the world and say: "It wasn’t like that in my day." This is terrific fun and really gets up young people’s noses.
THERE are certain things in life that make you feel grown up. When some snotty-nosed brat has the audacity to refer to you as "the lady", for example. Or when one of your friends gives you a jar of anti-wrinkle cream for your birthday.
NOW my friends, you must bear with me here. What can you do in 31 minutes? Watch an episode of Coronation Street and make a cup of tea for afters? Or you could shave off all Linda Barker’s hair with an extra 29 minutes to fall about laughing?
LAST week we had a look at how you could use tinned vegetables in cooking so this week we will consider the attributes of tinned fruit. I personally love tinned fruit. Tinned mandarin segments with ice cream is one of my all time favourite desserts. I even like drinking the juice from tinned fruits or, more accurately, using it in cocktails.