Robert McNeil's report card on our MSPs

Published on 28/03/2003 00:00

THE following assessments are based mainly on performance in the chamber, while also taking into consideration appearances in committee and, to a lesser extent, on television. In some cases, I have erred on the side of generosity, since I do like a trier. I didn’t have the heart to give anybody one star. But, if you take some of the two-starred and read the comments, you can probably downgrade them for yourselves.

***** Could rule the world

**** Could rule the country

*** Could rule a council

** Could rule a residents’ association

* Couldn’t rule an allotment

+ denotes a half star

[A] [B] [C] [D] [E] [F] [G] [H] [I] [J] [K] [L]

[M] [N] [O] [P] [Q] [R] [S] [T] [U] [W] [Y]

ADAM, Brian

SNP, North-east Scotland list

**+

Humourless Mormon with a stickyout bum. Not great in debate. Has a grand conceit of himself. Brings pre-prepared faux-clever points to chamber but can’t cope with interventions or, indeed, any opposition.

AITKEN, Bill

Con, Glasgow list

****

Adenoidal gnome. Nice suburban Glaswegian. Probably Tories’ principal spokesman. Happy to laugh at himself – just as well – though perhaps too self-effacing at times. Carries banner for unpopular causes and usually finds it flapping around his face.

ALEXANDER, Wendy

Lab, Paisley North

****

Used to be a big hitter but has done little in Parliament for a year. A bright gal, who suffered badly at the hands of the media when a minister, she now sits in the chamber slavering over pie charts in a wee world of her own. Clearly disillusioned with politics, though recent alleged overtures from First Minister may tempt her back into the light. Fluent in jargon and gibberish. Possibly belongs in a university or similar institution.

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BAILLIE, Jackie

Lab, Dumbarton

****+

Workmanlike, trustworthy and honest. Must have got into politics by mistake. Reasonable speaker. Consensus seeker. Likes a laugh. Also hedging, fence-repairs, grass-cutting.

BARRIE, Scott

Lab, Dunfermline West

**+

Peculiar individual, possibly warped by previous career as socialworker. Destined for anonymity. Hair needs washing.

BOYACK, Sarah

Lab, Edinburgh Central

***+

Has blossomed on back-benches. Had nightmarish time as transport minister, talking endlessly about “strategies” (always an indicator that nothing is being done). Now less under pressure, and happier.

BRANKIN, Rhona

Lab, Midlothian

**+

Sour-faced hammer of the Scots. Used to be such a nice girl. However, presided over Executive’s first defeat when fisheries minister. Blames Nats for this and spits venom at every opportunity.

BROWN, Robert

Lib Dem, Glasgow list

***+

Daft comb-over and habit of tucking tie into trousers should not obscure fact that here we have a reasonable performer. Occasionally loses rag but generally reliable, even thoughtful.

BUTLER, Bill

Lab, Glasgow Anniesland

***+

New boy. Successor to the late Donald Dewar. Settling in well. Made an impassioned speech against war in Iraq, then voted in favour of it.

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CAMPBELL, Colin

SNP, West of Scotland list

***

Headmasterly cogitator. Sensible and controlled but lacks vim. Not standing this time.

CANAVAN, Dennis

Ind Lab, Falkirk West

****

Leader and, indeed, follower of Legalise Canavan Campaign. Fearless speaker. Old-school leftie. Previous Westminster experience shows. Times interventions well. Passionate and powerful at his best.

CHISHOLM, Malcolm

Lab, Edinburgh North & Leith

****

Limp-wristed health minister. Tries to impress birds with loony feminism but is conscientious and hardworking. Not easily goaded. A bit of a weary willy – ooh er, Ms! – but seems vaguely in control.

CRAIGIE, Cathie

Lab, Cumbernauld & Kilsyth

**

Hasn’t really made leap from cooncillor to MSP. Working-class accent often leaves impression she’s talking about oven chips. Heckles inadvisedly (Tommy Sheridan once filleted her with a flick of his tongue). Nice person.

CRAWFORD, Bruce

SNP, Mid Scotland & Fife list

***

A wee terrier forever tripping over his lead just as he’s about to sink his teeth in. Muxes ip his words. Makes good points but is often outwitted.

CUNNINGHAM, Roseanna

SNP, Perth

***+

High-flier who hasn’t soared as much as expected. Tends to focus on legal matters, showing little of the Republican Rose rhetoric to which we’d all been looking forward. Talented, though.

CURRAN, Margaret

Lab, Glasgow Baillieston

***

Social justice minister. Could nag a rottweiller into submission. Easily goaded and can barely ask for the window to be opened without rising to hysteria. Passionate, at least.

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DAVIDSON, David

Con, North-east Scotland list

***

Rubs hands like an eager shopkeeper. Became a Tory because he felt they had better manners. Occasionally good.

DEACON, Susan

Lab, Edin East & Musselburgh

***

Former matron to the nation as health minister, but busy of late in producing offspring. Too intolerant as a minister, she was mellowing nicely into a back-bench mushroom until recent controversial motion on Iraq.

DOUGLAS-HAMILTON, Lord James

Con, Lothians list

****

Made possibly the best speech in Parliament, though I can’t remember what it was about. Grasp of history and sense of humour make him a fine speaker, even with a mooth full of bools. Tends to follow Tory “slate” of policies rather than think for himself, but a good man and true.

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EADIE, Helen

Lab, Dunfermline East

**

Unintentional comic turn. Often hands debate to opposition with kamikaze interventions. Foot riddled with holes after frequent shooting by owner. Nice person probably.

ELDER, Dorothy-Grace

Ind, formerly SNP, Glasgow list

***+

Parliament’s most colourful character. Got off to bad start with heartfelt speech about evil, which had everyone in stitches. More of a campaigner than a stateswoman. Better suited to journalism. Returning to normal life in May.

EWING, Fergus

SNP, Inverness East, Nairn & Lochaber

***+

Seems suspiciously right-wing at times for a Nat. Good, confident speaker with sharp suits and matching tongue. Bit of a lawyer.

EWING, Margaret

SNP, Moray

***+

Popular member, recently recovering from ill-health. Experienced player who can hold the attention of the chamber.

EWING, Winnie

SNP, Highlands and Islands list

***+

One of the best speakers in the place but rarely takes the opportunity. Not standing this time.

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FABIANI, Linda

SNP, Central Scotland list

***

Bit of an innocent. Labour often drown her contributions in derisive laughter. Tries to think, but you can hear the machinery grinding.

FERGUSON, Patricia

Lab, Glasgow Maryhill

***+

Minister for Parliament. An awfy nice woman who prefers to back others than steal the limelight. Speaks reasonably when given chance.

FERGUSSON, Alex

Con, South of Scotland list

***+

Herculean beardie who speaks well, but often as a mouthpiece for dodgy campaigners. Warning: do not armwrestle.

FINNIE, Ross

Lib Dem, West of Scotland list

****+

Looks, walks, talks like Captain Mainwaring but, as rural development minister, has impressed the mob. Vaguely statesmanlike, despite moustache. Forever finding himself in no-win situations, such as the crises in fishing and farming. But you couldn’t ask much more of him.

FITZPATRICK, Brian

Lab, Strathkelvin & Bearsden

**+

New boy. Successor to Sam Galbraith. Bitchier than Dorothy Parker with PMT. Has brought a level of disdain that verges on the hateful. Needs to be restrained.

FRASER, Murdo

Con, Mid-Scotland and Fife list

***+

New boy (replaced Nick Johnston). Young man with old jowls. Always looks like he’s on a mission, probably involving the canteen queue. Has been on a steep learning curve, starting as a po-faced Thatcherite but now more mellow and resigned to futility.

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GALLIE, Phil

Con, South of Scotland list

****

Frequent contributor. Sounds like a navvie and occasionally gives impression he has escaped from a laboratory. But, despite rough trimmings, he debates well, even when talking tripe.

GIBSON, Kenny

SNP, Glasgow list

***

Lopes into chamber like a wideboy eager for a rumble. Good at responses but gets bored at his own speeches and races through them. Tough image belied by mother’s insistence that we call him Kenneth.

GILLON, Karen

Lab, Clydesdale

***

Affable bruiser. Authentic voice of the streets – ie sounds a bit thick – but is willing to learn. Undogmatic and charitable.

GODMAN, Trish

Lab, Renfrewshire West

**+

Sounds like she could be good but rarely takes the opportunity. Quite classy but needs to be brassy.

GOLDIE, Annabel

Con, West of Scotland list

*****

Fragrant goddess, household dynamo, oratorical nymph, incorruptible maiden, damsel of democracy, and bleedin’ all-round brilliant bird. Brings own doilies. Good at dusting. Despite all of which, she debates well, crafts grand speeches, and has a deep understanding of politics.

GORRIE, Donald

Lib Dem, Central Scotland list

*****

Everything a back-bench MSP should be. Original, creative, troublesome then unexpectedly helpful. Doomed never to have power, which is fine by him. Occasionally irritable but, generally, a real asset.

GRAHAME, Christine

SNP, South of Scotland list

****+

Excellent performer. Knowledgeable, intelligent, passionate campaigner for her constituency.

GRANT, Rhoda

Lab, Highlands and Islands list

**

Often known as Rhoda Grant-Who for the same reason that the footer team is known as Stenhousemuir-Nil. Bashful and apologetic. Good company down the pub (I’m told) but not assertive or brittle enough for politics.

GRAY, Iain

Lab, Edin Pentlands

***

Minister for enterprise, transport & lifelong learning. Gives impression he would rather be asleep. Has a distinguished past with Oxfam in Africa, so there’s a heart in there somewhere. But we rarely hear it beating.

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HAMILTON, Duncan

SNP, Highlands & Islands list

***

Youngest member. Good but heart no longer in it. Not standing at next election. Shame really.

HARDING, Keith

Con, Mid Scotland & Fife

***

Fairly good speaker but tends to keep towel handy, ready to be thrown in at first opportunity. Seems aware he’s fighting a lost cause but might as well claim salary meantime. Has something of Southern England about him.

HARPER, Robin

Green, Lothians list

****

Would make excellent Dr Who. Stentorian speaker when roused but seemed to go through period of not giving a hoot. Has recently rediscovered passion, kick-starting debates on alternative local taxation, organic farming, and theatre funding. Has feeling nobody is listening which is, broadly speaking, correct.

HENRY, Hugh

Lab, Paisley South

***+

Deputy justice minister. Hangdog expression indicates alternative career as undertaker. Sometimes speaks with quiet authority and sometimes talks with quiet pointlessness. Decent bloke. Vaguely municipal.

HOME ROBERTSON, John

Lab, East Lothian

***+

Haddock-faced former minister who gives passable impression of political maturity. Invariably begins speeches: “When I was an MP at Westminster, drone, bore ...”

HUGHES, Janis

Lab, Glasgow Rutherglen

**

Generally there to make up the numbers. Has no particularly bad qualities. And no particularly good ones.

HYSLOP, Fiona

SNP, Lothians list

***+

Forever seems ready for the kill but then goes off at a tangent. Promise as yet unfulfilled.

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INGRAM, Adam

SNP, South of Scotland list

***

Mordant fellow. Lives in a crypt. Crafts decent speeches but delivers them with leaden gloom. Rumoured to eat flies.

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JACKSON, Gordon

Lab, Glasgow Govan

**

Two-jobs Jackson rarely visits the place, preferring the more lucrative courts across the road. Occasionally makes reasoned contribution in pompous tones. But it really isn’t good enough.

JACKSON, Sylvia

Lab, Stirling

**+

Seems OK. But I’m not sure why she’s there. I don’t think she is either.

JAMIESON, Cathy

Lab, Carrick, Cumnock & Doon Valley

***+

Genuinely enthusiastic education minister. Believes everyone underestimates her because she sounds lower-class. But there are other reasons.

JAMIESON, Margaret

Lab, Kilmarnock & Loudoun

**

Oh dear. Sits with furrowed brow, trying to look interested, but large balloon caption above head says: "I’m bloody baffled."

JENKINS, Ian

Lib Dem, Tweeddale, Ettrick & Lauderdale

***

Avuncular fellow who would rather eat cakes than get into an argument. Tries hard to understand but concludes life is too short.

JOHNSTONE, Alex

Con, North-east Scotland list

***

Bovine oaf appearance belies reasonable brain. Often speaks for the unevolved in the countryside but has little experience of real life in the city.

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KERR, Andy

Lab, East Kilbride

***

Unlikely minister for finance and public services. Thought to be too much of a crony of Jack’s to have credibility, but mouth generally remains foot-free. Rumours of knighthood for services to Brylcreem.

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LAMONT, Johann

Lab, Glasgow Pollock

***

Grim feminist whose office wall is decorated with the framed testicles of opponents. Takes everything seriously, including herself.

LIVINGSTONE, Marilyn

Lab, Kirkcaldy

**

Aw, the wee wallflower. Some days you just want to give her a big cuddle.

LOCHHEAD, Richard

SNP, North-East Scotland list

***

Decent trier who’s not quite sharp enough for the cutting edge. Shoots to kill, but out pops flag saying “Bang!”

LYON, George

Lib Dem, Argyll & Bute

***+

Reasonable performer with a passion for land reform. Despite that, seems a bit of a loner politically and, at end of his speeches, often sits down to the sound of a slowly ticking clock.

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McALLION, John

Lab, Dundee East

****

Maverick leftie who speaks for himself (as well as "the masses", obviously). Sometimes goes through motions but often provides rousing stuff that moves the chamber.

MacASKILL, Kenny

SNP, Lothians list

***+

Ace ranter, often on the subject of "the English" or, more likely, "south

of the Border". Feels it’s all so unfair and he’ll holler till we listen.

McAVEETY, Frank

Lab, Glasgow Shettleston

***+

Deputy health minister, not that you’d notice. The funkmeister general has a fund of funny stories and loves a laugh. A bit of a lad, he only gets roused when thuggish Kenny Gibson says anything about Glasgow, which he instantly refutes.

McCABE, Tom

Lab, Hamilton South

***

Cunning as a fox with a degree in card tricks. One of those Celtic-supporting types (cf Jack McConnell, John Reid etc) who become overloyal to the Crown once in office. Recently selected to tell the Scotch they had no business discussing Iraq.

McCONNELL, Jack

Lab, Motherwell & Wishaw

*****

The First Minister. Reputation as a fixer was said to be his lever to power but he has a certain charm and is difficult to confound. Pragmatic to a fault, he lacks any real vision beyond slogans and hype. In some ways, Jack sums up new Labour: managerial, control-minded, a scorner of ideals and other hippie rubbish. Biggest problem is trying to face Westminster while looking Holyrood in the eye. Now squinting down the barrel of a ballot. Difficult to believe he’ll enthuse the nation in the election but, in terms of parliamentary performance, he’s first-class. He’s good at defusing crises (think how he coped with his constituency party’s accounts and his extra-curricular shenanigans: either of these could have brought down a lesser politician). As a representative of his country, we could do a lot worse and, in Scotland, that counts as high praise indeed.

MACDONALD, Lewis

Lab, Aberdeen Central

***

Deputy transport minister. Talks funny, with his chin tucked into his chest. Aims to be adequate and occasionally succeeds.

MacDONALD, Margo

Ind, formerly SNP, Lothians list

*****

A magnificent presence in the chamber. Charismatic with a deft employment of the dramatic pause. Margo brooks no nonsense and, when she speaks, Scotland listens. Unfortunately, the SNP does not. Power of personality should see her returned as a member for Listland. If not, it’s the country’s fault.

McGRIGOR, Jamie

Con, Highlands & Islands list

***+

Dissolute-looking aristo with a penchant for prawns. Made impassioned speech for whisky to be served at official functions as well as wine. Threatened to do something illegal on a fishing boat. Heart’s in the right place. Cares for the Highlands.

McGUGAN, Irene

SNP, North-east Scotland list

**+

Harmless wummin who speaks quietly and usually to no great purpose. She’s nice and goes to church.

MACINTOSH, Kenneth

Lab, Eastwood

***+

Kenneth is a decent, middle-class boy with a striking resemblance to Mr Spock of Star Trek. Started off as a bit of a yes-man but is now a yes-yes man. However, shows Vulcan-style capacity for rational thought.

McINTOSH, Lyndsay

Con, Central Scotland list

**+

Initially known for psychedelic cardigans. Seeks to make an impression but generally leaves a mess. Plays to a gallery in her mind.

MacKAY, Angus

Lab, Edin South

***+

Dapper Hibee who presents his contributions competently enough but has fallen away of late. Disdain for Nats occasionally clouds judgment and needs more time on backbenches before returning to front (was finance minister until Jack’s Night of the Penknives).

MacLEAN, Kate

Lab, Dundee West

**

Kate’s glottal stop is scandalous, ken? Having this drawn to her attention has fatally damaged her confidence. Hard to believe she was once leader of Dundee Council. Loves to party.

McLEISH, Henry

Lab, Fife Central

***

Former First Minister, about to retire from Parliament. Much maligned and usually has his name prefaced with the word “disgraced”, which is a bit strong. In essence, he really was a muddler not a fiddler, and the kicking he got was distasteful. Doesn’t bother now. Just sits looking at the press gallery and twitching.

McLEOD, Fiona

SNP, West of Scotland list

**+

A bit of a closed book, despite her diploma in librarianship.

McLETCHIE, David

Con, Lothians list

****+

Knows what he wants. No idea how to get it. The Tory leader occasionally crafts good speeches but is dumbfounded when contradicted. A bit over-rated in a patronising sort of a way. Folk tend to will him on for want of a bit of excitement. But he didn’t get where he is today etc. Where he will be tomorrow is anybody’s guess. Essentially, his job is to hold the line rather than take power. The problems of office will never be his, but at least he can ably contribute his share of them.

McMAHON, Michael

Lab, Hamilton North & Bellshill

**

Looks like he has his hair patted down by his mother in the morning. Some days you think he is going to say something. But then he gets up and leaves.

MACMILLAN, Maureen

Lab, Highlands & Islands list

**+

Casually dressed woman who often looks like she’s forgotten something. Speaks more than some but lacks guile and is fatally inoffensive.

McNEIL, Duncan

Lab, Greenock & Inverclyde

**+

Brutal-looking heckler, occasionally prone to intolerance, probably as a result of working-class background. Used to be a shipyard worker but is still to make a riveting speech.

McNEILL, Pauline

Lab, Glasgow Kelvin

***+

Stretching her God-given talents to the limits, she is at least thoughtful and open to argument.

McNULTY, Des

Lab, Clydebank & Milngavie

***

Deputy social justice minister and the dullest man on God’s earth. The Hisbollah of tedium. Oh God, even thinking about a speech by Des makes me want to kill myself.

MARTIN, Paul

Lab, Glasgow Springburn

***

Only ever speaks about his constituency. More community worker than MSP.

MARWICK, Tricia

SNP, Mid Scotland & Fife list

***+

Somehow doesn’t look or sound like a politician, despite making all the usual honks and tweets. Occasionally goes to town on Labour but leaves a vague feeling that ambition

is outstripping talent.

MATHESON, Michael

SNP, Central Scotland list

***

Has a fair go and is reasonably confident, but couldn’t set the heather alight with a flamethrower on a scorching day.

MONTEITH, Brian

Con, Mid Scotland & Fife list

****

Rotund gourmet. In Parliament, no one ever asks, “Who ate all the pies?” Everybody knows it was Brian. Though, sometimes, he talks mince and can be crustily right-wing, he’s self-confident, wry, even lyrical, and, generally speaking, A Good Egg.

MORGAN, Alasdair

SNP, Galloway & Upper Nithsdale

****

Competent and clued-up, if sometimes erring towards the earnest. Debates well and is far from dim.

MORRISON, Alasdair

Lab, Western Isles

***+

When he speaks in Gaelic tones about the need for land reform, there’s nothing like it. But has become a creepy leader-sook of late. Tends to get caught up in anti-Nat vitriol and sits too near Duncan McNeil.

MULDOON, Bristow

Lab, Livingston

***

Started off quite well but seems to have lost confidence. Possibly upset because people laugh at his name. Needs to stop stuttering and start believing in himself.

MULLIGAN, Mary

Lab, Linlithgow

**+

Deputy minister for health. The talking meringue. What a voice. If we could broadcast it for 20 minutes at the Iraqis, the war could be won without a shot fired.

MUNDELL, David

Con, South of Scotland list

***

Giggly man who admires Sheena Easton. He stands up, he twitters away, and then he sits down. Remarkable.

MUNRO, John Farquhar

Lib Dem, Ross, Skye & Inverness West

***

Somnolent Gael who once had to be paged by his researchers to jolt him awake. Has mastered art of appearing awake while asleep and, indeed, vice versa. Admirable.

MURRAY, Elaine

Lab, Dumfries

***

Deputy minister for tourism, culture and sport. Once threatened to kick your reporter in his marriage prospects for suggesting she had a high voice. A terrible fidget, she was a wee nervous thing when she arrived but has now shaken that off. Now, she’s just a thing.

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NEIL, Alex

Lab, Central Scotland list

*****

Superb speaker who seems to have sneaked past security with a personality. Formidable brain, often used to effect on economic subjects. Often employs facts. Despite worrying obsession with repopulating the country, he’s respected on all sides of the house.

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OLDFATHER, Irene

Lab, Cunninghame South

**+

Speaks several languages, including advanced mince. Unfairly bracketed with the “daft Labour women” at start of Parliament. Likes Europe.

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PATERSON, Gil

SNP, Central Scotland list

***

Painstaking reader of speeches, getting most words wrong. Bit of a wimmin’s libber. Gives address as Gil’s Motor Factors and occasionally wears suede shoes.

PEACOCK, Peter

Lab, Highlands & Islands list

***

Deputy finance minister. Despite occasional flashes of wit, generally sucks all the excitement out of debates and spits out managerial rhetoric. Gives feeling there could be more to him. But there isn’t.

PEATTIE, Cathy

Lab, Falkirk East

**

Not cut out for debating chamber. Attempts breathy passion in speeches but ends up suffocating. Sings well.

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QUINAN, Lloyd

SNP, West of Scotland list

***+

Theatrical background shows in instinct for the dramatic. Obsessed with Basques and whatnot. Got shot at in Middle East. Said word “shite” in Parliament. Has done good work on various health issues. Unlikely to be returned.

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RADCLIFFE, Nora

Lib Dem, Gordon

***

Strange, tweedy woman. When she speaks, an odd atmosphere engulfs the chamber, as if we were in the midst of someone from outer space.

RAFFAN, Keith

Lib Dem, Mid Scotland & Fife list

***+

Capable enough but prone to delusions of sanity. Speaks well on dangers of drugs and alcohol.

REID, George

SNP, Mid Scotland & Fife list

****+

Excellent MSP, with breadth of experience in real world. Made terrific speech about polluted fields in Fife. Also able deputy presiding orifice, despite habit of barking “One minute” like a bingo caller towards end of speeches.

ROBISON, Shona

SNP, North-east Scotland list

***+

Reasonable contributor but prone to ineffectual, girly heckling. After devastating critique in sketch, has managed to get cartoon fly-away hair under control.

ROBSON, Euan

Lib Dem, Roxburgh & Berwickshire

**+

Simpering deputy minister for Parliament. Curious habit of standing with hands joined over crotch as if bursting for pee. Strangely reminiscent of Christopher Robin and, similarly, needs a good boot up the arse.

RUMBLES, Mike

Lib Dem, West Aberdeenshire & Kincardineshire

***+

Good debater, despite inability to get smirk off face. Blunders in where others fear to tread.

RUSSELL, Mike

SNP, South of Scotland list

*****

Superb parliamentarian. Sometimes called pompous, which is cruel but fair. Speaks devastatingly well at times, trampling opponents into rhetorical dust.

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SCANLON, Mary

Con, Highlands & Islands list

***+

Vaguely enchanting Highland lassie with Take The High Road voice. Has made some fine speeches but latterly seems lost.

SCOTT, John

Con, Ayr

***

Bald, virile appearance belied by simpering contributions. Speaks while holding up white flag of surrender.

SCOTT, Tavish

Lib Dem, Shetland

****

Tipped for the top, so shame he’s a Lib Dem. Earnest, with irritating Lib Dem habit of “coming through the middle” safely. Widely admired, though, as much for what he doesn’t do (muck up) as what he does.

SHERIDAN, Tommy

Scottish Socialist, Glasgow list

*****

Without a doubt, the most exciting member (and no, ladies, I don’t mean what you’re thinking). Unexpectedly good parliamentarian, able to deal with interventions and trounce hecklers. Riveting contributions, occasionally marred by forgetting where he is (addressing a bunch of suits not the pitchfork-wielding proletariat).

SIMPSON, Richard

Lab, Ochil

***+

How the mighty are fallen. Merited higher rating until recent horrendous gaffe on firemen. Talented and otherwise competent; may return after appropriate period of chastisement.

SMITH, Elaine

Lab, Coatbridge & Chryston

***

As a politician, would make a good shop assistant. However, she does have feelings and almost wept at prospect of bombing evil Iraqi children.

SMITH, Iain

Lib Dem, Fife North-east

**+

Diffident bumbler with a nasty edge. Creepy Executive loyalist. Speaks more than he should, but at least speaks.

SMITH, Margaret

Lib Dem, Edin West

***

Occasional contributor and passable performer. Denies walking like Policewoman Ruby Gates in St Trinian’s films, despite video evidence. For this and other reasons, she will never lead the country.

STEEL, David

Lib Dem, Lothians list

****+

A special case, he being the presiding orifice, a job at which he has excelled. People keep saying he’s a pompous percy but there’s little evidence of that in the chamber, where he keeps order with humour and scrupulous impartiality. His conduct in the first bewildering days, plagued with bogus points of order and attempts at hullabaloo, was exemplary. Only downside of his being presiding orifice is that he would have made avery good MSP on the benches. Originally awarded five stars in this pseudo scientific survey but lost a half-star on ethical grounds (he’s a former honorary vice-president of

the sinister, fraudulently named Countryside Alliance).

STEPHEN, Nicol

Lib Dem, Aberdeen South

***

Deputy education minister. Such a colourless young man. Doubtless buys his round and all that, but is so damned normal, in the bad sense of the word. Has never, ever said anything memorable. A funny hat might help.

STEVENSON, Stewart

SNP, Banff & Buchan

***+

Replacement for Alex Salmond. Almost worth four stars. Makes good, well-thought out speeches, but errs towards the smarty-pants. Looks like short-sighted chap in Last of the Summer Wine, and can sometimes be found in earnest conversation with hatstands.

STONE, Jamie

Lib Dem, Caithness, Sutherland &

Easter Ross

***+

Clubbable poltroon who adds zest and cameraderie to the place. Though capable of excellent contributions, he clowns around too much and may benefit from a good flogging.

STURGEON, Nicola

SNP, Glasgow list

****

Tireless, earnest, bright and dedicated. Not the most forceful of speakers, relying on reason and similar rubbish. Sits up late at night reading official documents. Enhances most debates but needs laughing lessons.

SWINNEY, John

SNP, North Tayside

****+

Has made a fair fist of being Nat leader, but leaves impression he’s one of life’s lieutenants. Competent, bright, resilient and a reasonable speaker but, somewhere along the line, there’s a feeling that he lacks the x-factor that marks out a real leader. Recently has developed tendency to say, “Oh yes!”, rather like John Major, whose example he should avoid at all costs. A bit more idealism on the independence front could sprinkle gold-dust on the grey managerial porridge of workable policies and responsible opposition. Has a keen interest in statistics, which is fine in the privacy of one’s own home, but can get tedious in Parliament.

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THOMSON, Elaine

Lab, Aberdeen N

**+

Has been speaking more in the chamber of late, which is a pity. Not too bad, but possibly better suited to hotel reception or bar work.

TOSH, Murray

Con, South of Scotland list

***+

Deputy presiding orifice. As an MSP he was a great source of unwitting entertainment, gesturing like Mussolini on a balcony, as he wound himself up into ludicrous fits of passion about drains, minor roads and paper-clips. Histrionics operated in inverse proportion to importance of subject. Pretty good DPO, after initial period of being too harsh on his side to prove impartiality. (George Reid did the same).

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ULLRICH, Kay

SNP, West of Scotland list

***+

Started with fire in her belly, earning her nickname Aggie Schwarzenegger, but mellowed quickly and now seems under the delusion that there’s life beyond Parliament. Since becoming a whip, generally seems happy to be the nodding dog next to J Swinney at question time. Not standing this time.

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WALLACE, Ben

Con, North-east Scotland list

***

Could have been a contender. Never really interested in the Parliament and, as planned, has bagged an English candidature for Westminster. Bit of a bar-room bore on military matters, being an ex-army man who served in Northern Ireland.

WALLACE, Jim

Lib Dem, Orkney

****

Deputy First Minister; justice minister. Often seems thrust into position of riding to rescue of the Executive as part of a distinctly diffident cavalry. Pacifies native Indians with beads of waffle, as grateful women and children cry: “Jim’ll fudge it!” Careful, cautious and canny, his speeches cover his back so that, afterwards, he can claim: “I didn't exactly say that.” Like John Swinney, he can’t do anger, though he can be riled,

which is always an amusing sight for the lieges. But has done a good job holding his mainly individualistic members together, particularly given the compromising that coalition demands.

WATSON, Mike

Lab, Glasgow Cathcart

***

Minister for tourism, culture, and sport. Seems to lack the life-force. Whatever he undertakes, his heart never really seems in it. Though technically in the limelight for fox mangling and arts funding, unerringly he has sought the shadows.

WELSH, Andrew

SNP, Angus

***

Not a great presence in the chamber. Once, I nearly handed him my coat, assuming he was something to do with the cloakroom.

WHITE, Sandra

SNP, Glasgow list

**

Fearsome wee bauchle with poor command of English. Not really cut out for politics, other than as an activist. Central casting would have her running a launderette.

WHITEFIELD, Karen

Lab, Airdrie & Shotts

***

Emeritus Professor of Pish at University of Airdrie. Karen has the daftest voice in political history, sounding like a six-year-old with severe reading difficulty. Absurd Executive loyalist and parochial campaigner. However, brave and repeated attempts to overcome natural inability deserve applause.

WILSON, Allan

Lab, Cunninghame N

***+

Deputy rural development minister. Glaikit, tousled, stuttering and oratorically

moribund. Allan’s attempts to convince are fatally undermined by the neon-lit word “Dense” flashing up periodically on his forehead. And yet, and yet. He’s self-effacing,

cheerful, and occasionally shows an uncanny grasp of the unimportant bits of parliamentary procedure. A good man to have on your side, though preferably near the back.

WILSON, Andrew

SNP, Central Scotland list

****+

Brainier than Wendy Alexander, but without the bullshit. A truly original thinker with a remarkably positive approach to politics. Mature beyond his years and, if doesn’t go somewhere more lucrative outside Parliament, could be future leading force in country. Tendency to keep best work for television, newspapers and other extra-parliamentary outlets. Disillusion with dimmer colleagues could cause frustration as years progress.

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YOUNG, John

Con, West of Scotland list

***

Affable old cove closely related to the dodo (as a Glasgow Tory councillor, he was for long thought to be extinct). About to retire. Occasionally, makes telling contribution, usually some hoary story about the old days. Once claimed never to have heard the word "sex" mentioned once in 30-odd years as a councillor. Otherwise, has no regrets.

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