How silence can tell its own story

Published on Saturday 19 February 2005 00:08

HELPING people who have money problems involves a lot more verbal diplomacy than may be apparent. How an individual hears and interprets advice, suggestions, or expressions of empathy is often shaped by where they are in the process of solving their financial problems.

When people are in deep financial trouble and want a solution desperately, most want to be told exactly what to do. If you are the friend or loved one giving the advice, the voice of a firm but thoughtful guide is usually appropriate. You have to tell the person each action that he or she must complete and the order in which they are to be done. Of equal importance is giving the person a realistic picture of the results that will come from each of these actions. As he or she finishes each task and sees that what you say is true, it will help reinforce the belief that there is a way out of the financial miasma and help them to trust what you say.

However, as soon as people begin successfully accomplishing some early-stage tasks, they start to feel in control and no longer respond well to a firm tone of voice. They will hear and feel this tone as finger-wagging. At this point they want the voice of a companion instead. This voice enumerates the choices available, helps evaluate which option is most suitable, and then supports them as they move through their own path.

This second voice acknowledges two important changes that occur in most people as they get out of debt and gain some perspective on what they’ve done. First, it recognises that the person is making positive steps toward taking back control of his or her financial life. Second, it recognises that the person is developing the ability to make better decisions than he or she could have in the past. If the person were to trip or encounter some unexpected situation, they would now know how to implement the financial restraints that would enable them to recover and continue to move forward.

In some cases, it is necessary for the friend or loved one who has been the adviser to employ a third voice. This one is quietly observant. And it must be used with great judiciousness and care. Having observed many people who have got themselves out of difficult financial situations only to slide back into them again, I know there are always little signs that the bad habits or unfortunate pattern of behaviour may be returning. The sign easiest to miss is the person’s complete and total silence about money or the little-too-quick reassurance that everything is OK. It’s probably not. The challenge is to find a way to approach the subject without making the person feel you "have been watching them like a hawk".

I intervened in a friend’s financial life recently. I first noticed the return of an old pattern: his nights out at bars were becoming more frequent and later. Then I noticed that when we got together he always had to go to the cash machine. I sensed that he was treating his money a little too cavalierly given the amount he earned. And he was way too quiet anytime I bought up the subject of his current financial situation.

I decided to use humour to broach the subject. , I recalled a funny incident that occurred when his money problems were dire. After we both laughed, he wondered aloud why I had remembered that situation. I raised my eyebrows and gave him a "you tell me" look. After some mild hostility and a few personal attacks about my being "judgmental and sanctimonious", he told me things were indeed getting bad again and he did not know why. In reality he did know but he was ignoring it. This was his usual pattern of behaviour in dealing with financial difficulties.

He had his evening of self pity. (He would probably say that I let him have his evening of self pity.) The next morning I called and greeted him on the phone with the first voice, that of a firm but thoughtful guide. We laughed. In a strange way, he was glad to have this voice back in his life - but only for a little while. I was glad I had listened to his silence.