Michelle Rodger: Just the job to show where your future lies

Published on Saturday 20 December 2008 14:28

I READ last week that the kind of e-mails and texts you send can give an insight into your career status and ambitions. Apparently, the higher up the tree you climb, the more likely you are to send brief messages littered with spelling and grammatical errors. You are also more likely to take forever to reply.

Middle management try to show off in e-mails, choosing to use lots of big words and complex sentence structures (usually inaccurately) in a bid to appear more important and intelligent than they are, whereas e-mails from us plebs tend to consist mainly of vulgar jokes and trivia.

I, however, prefer to classify people by their job type. Read on and learn about who you really are in my business version of astrological star signs.

Marketing: you are ambitious but stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with sales.

Sales: the laziest of all business signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree". You are also self-centred and paranoid. Unless someone calls and begs you to take their money you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Technology: unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you do not understand what you are saying, but who the can tell? And who cares?

Engineering: one of only two signs that actually studied at school. It is not surprising that engineers are believed to place 90% of all personal ads. Your office is full of all the latest ergo-dynamic gadgets.

Accounting: the other sign that studied at school. You are mostly immune from office politics. The credit crunch has made you the most powerful person in the company; as a result you are also the most feared person in the organisation. Most rumours concerning you say you are insane. Which is utterly believable when you're discovered in the copy room counting paper clips and staples.

Human resources: ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip in the place. You spend an inordinate amount of time beside the water cooler, in the staff kitchen, or the loo, picking up juicy titbits of information. Possibly the only person who does less work than marketing.

Middle management: catty, cutthroat yet spineless, you are destined to remain in your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other middle managers, as everyone in your social circle is a middle manager.

Senior management: see above. Same sign, different title.

Customer service: bright, cheery and positive, you are a 50p cab ride from taking your own life. As a child you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could play "customer service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

Promotions: typically blonde with lots of make-up and a penchant for red high heels, you are actually smarter than most would give you credit for. Which is why your manager has promoted you from customer service.

Consultant: lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your 'skills' are in demand and that you could get a higher-paying job with any other organisation in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these fabulous career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

Recruiter, headhunter: as a person that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. The current recession is giving you gyp.

Partner, president, CEO: you are brilliant, or lucky. Your inability to work out complex things such as the fax machine and the need for your PA to print all your e-mails suggests the latter.

Union rep: favourite colour red, you wear comic ties and usually manage to upset the management every other month with unreasonable demands for flexible working for the attractive single mum in admin. The credit crisis and tightening of financial belts now give you the opportunity to upset management daily with all-new unreasonable demands.

Government worker: paid to take days off, government workers are genius inventors behind such things as "new holidays".

Newspaper columnist: just like Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. What more can I say?

Happy Christmas!