Internet: Pitch imperfect

Published on Wednesday 24 June 2009 14:53

qbTtLA3-PaA">TUNE IN FOR A LAUGH

PITCH tuners were originally used by producers to realign the tone-deaf warblings of soap stars looking to "develop their careers"; now they are the fall-back for R&B stars who feel it gives their work depth by sounding a bit odd. Actually, it doesn't. What it does is make them sound like is a malfunctioning "speak your weight" machine. The latest offender is Kanye West, here taken to task unexpectedly by American boyband member Kevin Pereira, who proves the damn device can make anything sound profound – even past its sell-by date milk.

FEDS ON DEPP'S TAIL

JOHNNY Depp's latest flick has been notoriously screen-shy. Very few critics have even seen it, but the trailer is here to view, so that's something. Based on Bryan Burrough's ambitious tome Public Enemies: America's Greatest Crime Wave and the Birth of the FBI, 1933-34, it stars Depp as notorious bank robber John Dillinger, and that paradigm of reserve and sangfroid, Christian Bale, as top FBI agent Melvin Purvis.

KILLING THE MAGIC

WARNING: this site could permanently ruin your enjoyment of any film ever again. Ever noticed that when somebody is shot fatally, they always have just enough time to impart the vital piece of info needed to push the plot forward? Or that in any film starring children, they invariably know more, or are smarter, than every other adult on screen? We are in the world of the film clich, and this site compiles them in such a relentless way as to render them ridiculous and hilarious. For the record, pastries are always in pink boxes.

DON'T GET BURNT

THIS has all the hallmarks of a proper on-line shop, but it's just fer larfs. The genius is in the detail. Which toast do you want delivered in the post? The Balmoral, "a light toast on standard 6mm stock bread bringing to you the decadence that only a handcrafted toast may deliver"? Or perhaps The Frogmore, "a toast for the more broadminded and cosmopolitan connoisseur"?