Magic for the massesCapitalism collapsing like it was built by the least gifted of the little pig siblings. Stockbrokers being forced to pawn their red braces and re-skill for the posts of urban literature distribution executives
(Big Issue vendors).
Cavernous branches of Lidl opening on Wall Street.
Who is responsible for this spectacular economic meltdown?
Spivs and speculators? Gordon Gecko? Penry the mild-mannered janitor?
Nope. My money is on Ian Saville, the commie conjuror.
Saville - who is available for children's parties, Bar Mitzvahs and picket lines - is Britain's only full-time Marxist magician.
He explains all on his
website:
"So what is socialist magic? Well, whereas David Copperfield is content with little tricks like making the Statue of Liberty disappear, I aim at the much more ambitious goal of making International Capitalism disappear.
"I haven't quite succeeded yet, but I'm getting there."
Instead of sawing his glamorous assistant in two (glorification of violence against women) or pulling a rabbit from a top hat (bourgeois exploitation of nature centred around the millinery of the ruling class) Saville attempts to whip his audience into a frenzy of revolutionary fervour.
His most popular routine - peppered liberally with the magic words "mass action for a radical transformation of society from a society based primarily on profit to a society based on human need" - features time-honoured favourites such as:
* The class-struggle rope trick
* Ventriloquism with guest star Little Karl.
* The great privatisation swindle (watch public assets dissolve before your very eyes!)
* The surplus value magic factory box (complete with talking silk-handkerchief workers)
Perhaps President Bush should tear himself away from the onerous task of learning all the songs from High School Musical, and appoint Saville as his chief economic advisor.
After all, he's got years of experience of putting words into the mouth of a slack-jawed dummy.
Carve me tenderIt's the ultimate rock icon.
Art collector Graham Geddes was left all shook up after he unearthed an ancient Roman bust which is a dead ringer for Elvis Presley.
The bequiffed stone artefact - which dates back to 400 BC - looks undeniably like the late King of rock and roll.
Next month the Italian Elvis will go under the hammer in London, where fans of the late superstar are expected to do battle to get their rhinestoned mitts on it.
The asking price is a cool £35,000.
A spokesman for
auctionhouse Bonhams said: "The likeness is so great that the collector himself calls the carving 'Elvis'. Fans of the King, seeing this face from the distant past, will be forgiven for thinking that their idol may well have lived a previous life in Rome. Looking at this face with its Elvis-like quiff, strong jaw and nose, one is inevitably led to the thought that the human face for all is diversity and subtlety has after all an ability to repeat itself, hence the shock of the doppelganger, in this case a Roman Elvis."
Nunc hic aut numquam - or It's Now or Never as the great man would have doubtless said while wowing them at the Coliseum.
Google Earth conspiraciesWIDE-eyed conspiracy nerds from around the globe had a field day a couple of years back when images from Google Earth appeared to show a
car hovering above the ground. Ponytailed sci-fi fans claimed the photos - taken in Perth, Australia - proved that secret government research had finally led to the creation of Jetsons-style flying automobiles. Others claimed it was little more than an elaborate deception - with specially strengthed but invisible wires holding the car above the ground. Sadly for them, the truth about the levitating Lexus has been revealed, and it is altogether more mudane. It is actually an optical illusion featuring nothing more mysterious than a white car parked side by side with a black car - which at first glance appears to be a shadow beneath the magic vehicle.
Weird WeekendFriday, October 31,
Halloween Ghost Safari, Lunan Lodge, Montrose, Angus.
Spending all hallow's eve in the creepy surroundings of Scotland's most haunted B&B.
A bravery certificate is up for grabs for anyone foolhardy enough to spend an entire night in the fantastically-named "Shouty man room" - so-called because of the gutteral utterances of its spectral denizen.
