Josh Quigley: Why I Tried To Kill Myself
What they might not tell you is that beneath my carefully crafted exterior a significant battle with depression had a grip of my soul.
Since around 2012 and more heavily throughout 2015, I fought mental health problems with the pretence of happiness, but it was an act I couldn’t sustain. Depression had a hold on every aspect of my life.
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Hide AdIt stole my energy and my happiness. It impaired my ability to function. The only place it couldn’t reach me was in my sleep, and a lack of consciousness soon became my only means of escape.
Even in my waking hours there were times I chose to lie in the darkness, hiding from the world and hoping that it would all go away. In a bid to release depression’s grip I made a visit to my GP, but a lack of understanding and a seven month wait for specialist help only compounded my desperation.
Though I knew my friends and family wanted to help me, I felt isolated. Depression was my battle and I had to fight it alone.
The bleak outlook of my life overwhelmed me and I reached breaking point.
I wanted to enjoy life with every fibre of my being, but I couldn’t imagine ever being truly happy again.
I was terrified and trapped, and I wanted it to be over. I wanted to be dead. I took what I thought was my only option at the time. Suicide. I decided to end my life.
In the early hours of 26 May 2015 I got into my car and headed towards the motorway.
I knew exactly where I was going. I would drive to the Hermiston Gait roundabout, turn around, and crash at into the concrete barrier at the Livingston junction at over 80mph.
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Hide AdI had taken this same exit hundreds of times before, but this time it was different.
This time I wasn’t following the road home. I was heading down a one way street to end my pain and my suffering once and for all. As I hurtled faster and faster towards my impending fate, the longing to be free drove me ever forward.
In those final moments, as the momentum of the car came to a crushing halt, my agonising life also came to a standstill. I should have been dead. I shouldn’t have survived, but I did. I survived.
Next week I will continue my story with the events that followed my suicide attempt and explain how I set about using my experience to regain control of my life and help others.
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